Forcing a tight grasp on my one life
fearing it’s mournful evaporation
the spin takes hold lifting my mind
into clouds of distraction.
I rebuff my knowing
thrilled at the chance for a momentary reprieve
from my inner child’s clawing for help
I think she’ll beg forever
until the pleading stops
Oh she’s just pouting
But she has gone hunting
gone to find herself a hero
seeking liberation from her pains of rejection
from the burden of her self imposed isolation
this 14 yr old ache of self loathing
So the wheel spins
and the goal is a delicious terrifying mystery
A journey pushed on me like unpredictable trade winds
driven to discover a new world of attentions & promised affection
her relentless longings for a mirror of recognition
flings me into sacred shadows of fear and sadness
buries me alive in tombs of shame and hopelessness
resurrects me with grief and anger
shakes me at my depths
Still, I don’t see her
just an insatiable wrath for love
insane strategies and strangely distorted musings
swirling around in a directionless dense abyss.
Early termination has become optionless.
An invisible compass points true north
while a quiet hum vibrates searching for it’s counter point
searching for home
A deeper beacon locks in on it’s target
the hum rises into my mind, thoughts level, breath expands
I feel the support of where I sit
yielding to a sound beneath the higher frequencies
of survival and hunger
after 5 decades she surrenders.
many breaths brought me here to sway my mind
finding love always present, always listening
In me, I am home.
I look with my eyes open
You sit within me, watching,
waiting patiently to catch my awareness
Between my scanning and focusing until I rest
in your gaze
This Source from where all things flow
where all things return
exchanged for my confusion,
a lifetime reprieve
I am paused at this mirror
drinking in from an endless well of loving witness.
So the light is called forth
Seen & shines
Revealing a comfort contained within
Bringing relief from the tight grasp I force on life
Evaporating effort gladly.
In this womb I consent to